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I've always been a big fan of control. When I was in Clarksville I was especially into control. I was under the very mistaken impression that I had control over everything. From being able to be whatever I wanted when I grew up to feeling like I could even control my sexual urges around the girls I lusted after. Honestly.. yeah right.
Here in Albuquerque I wanted to stay under these mistaken impressions. I enjoyed feeling like I had the power. Of course those feelings haven't been very conducive to having a very good life, or an honest life. It's pretty understandable therefore that I've pissed off so many people. I have fucked up enormously in that respect. Thinking tonight I realize that there is so little that I have had control of in the past, at least in the way that I thought I did. It's ridiculous. If I hadn't left Clarksville when I did, I would be an extremely unready father right now. It's been one big game of self-delusion. "Bless your soul, you really think you're in control?"
It really is kind of funny to think about it when you consider that I've lived so much of my life around the idea that I had everything under control. It's really apparent now, but at the time it didn't seem to make any difference to me. It's weird how that seems to change so quickly. It's also strange how that would counter and react with the new ideas I have about having influence over my own actions. I guess the major difference is in thinking I'm in control and doing nothing about it and realizing I don't have much control and then exerting it where possible. There's something about realizing that we have limits and finding that middle ground with forging our own destinies. Nothing is black and white, though the shade of gray or bright red might be hard to distinguish at first.
Things get difficult when I think about how much of an idiot I was and still fall into every once and again. Sam and I have had difficulties with that in our relationship with the way I've acted and reacted to things like that. I've taken for granted the energy and such that I might have, or in fact that control. Not being willing to admit defeat is not always a good point in a person, like with me. Sometimes I need to admit that I can't do something, let loose of that control. That's also an idea I need to keep in mind with my relationships, because people are not just items to have and to use, but people to be affected by and to make a positive difference. A metaphor Sam used today in reference to a different subject was the sheep to slaughter idea. I don't need to try and manipulate people like sheep, especially when I don't actually earn nearly that type of influence.
Something important for me to learn here is to be more humble and to not think so highly and selfishly of myself.