Christopher's Mindset

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Though I'm originally from Germany (and hold citizenship there) I do consider myself an American.  Which is just as well because I have no idea what the equivalent of Independence Day is in Germany.

When I lived with my nuclear family we did the traditional fireworks and barbeque.  I was really excited when I got to start setting off fireworks of my own.  The first ones I got to light were in Germany when we were on base for a celebration.  My dad (Tony) let me hold the punk (incense stick looking thing used to light things) and light up an artillery shell.  It was really exciting.  As I grew up it was about blowing things up.  By the time we moved to Kansas I would start gathering together old toys I didn't play with anymore and go out with my friends and our firecrackers to try and blow them apart.  Usually it was Army men or something like that, a big favorite was kids' meal toys.  The toughest one was a Lion King character.  We ended up jokingly setting him up on a brick with a sparkler which we lit and then left to go swimming.  We came back and he was melted.  I'm not particularly proud of having done those destructive things, but they are what characterized my 4th of July holidays.  The food, barbeque stuff was just like most other barbeques, my parents cooked up hamburgers, hot dogs, steak, and had a good time with their alcohol while us kids drank way too many sodas and blew things up.  Once I was in my teens and we had moved to Tennessee my dad (Troy) showed me how to fire bottle rockets at each other.  That was more than a little dumb I'll admit.

Nowadays I'm perfectly happy enjoying the day off without fireworks and alcohol.  Today for example we stayed at home and lounged for pretty much the whole day.  CD (mother-in-law) has been out house sitting since this morning so it was just me and Byron and Sam (wife).  It was very relaxed.  We watched a couple movies and had some Frito Chili Pie style munchies with turkey dogs.  Byron was the only one who drank and it wasn't that much.  It's nice to have a more relaxing version.  Normally we would do something a little more (depending on whether it fell on a weekend or not) to combine it sort of with CD's birthday since it's so close to the Fourth.  A visit to the zoo or aquarium, maybe even a little trip to Bosque del Apache.  Fireworks-wise we obey the city limit of under 10 feet.  As I've grown a bit older (not a lot mind you) I've come to enjoy the fountains more than the booms, and it helps that our dogs are afraid of the louder noises anyway.  This year we didn't light any off because of a particularly dry dry season.  With all the fires in the state it didn't seem worth trying our luck, or spending the money.  Sam and I watered down our yard the last three nights to make sure that our plants and ground were well saturated, we didn't burn down.

Someone else who answered this post had posed the question about whether most Americans even know why we light off fireworks on Independence Day.  I don't think they do.  The reason is because it's to serve as a reminder of the war fought to ensure our freedom.  The fireworks represent gunfire, bombs, and artillery.  It's even in our National Anthem (Francis Scott Key wrote the poem that would become the Anthem while he was present during a battle for the Revolution.  "The bombs bursting in air," were literal.).  As time removes us from the event I think it gets easier to forget the reasons behind the traditions.  Another thing that came up in response to this question was the leaning attitude of the question itself, being posed on the 4th of July (instead of say, the 1st, which was Canada Day) and asking about "Independence Day," which is not what all countries call their holidays celebrating similar circumstances.  I suppose if you want to get picky it's alright to point out the flaws with the wording, but I don't see the point in making a big fuss about it.  If your country has a day celebrating national freedom, I would love to read about it, instead of reading your complaints.  

Having said all that stuff, Happy Independence Day to all those Americans out there, and happy freedom for those others who are lucky enough to enjoy it.  The worst thing we could do as citizens of a free nation, whatever the name, is take it for granted.

Ah, Netflix, you give me amusement, excitement, and new entertainment avenues to explore.  Sam has been pretty good about varying our queue as for what we get at home.  Most of our viewing has been done with Instant Watch but for those things not available there we order through the mail still.  We have an account for just Television shows.  Well a few shows from the BBC have been put into our queue and tonight me, Sam, and Byron watched two of them.  We watched "Peep Show" (not pornographic by the way) and "Being Human."

"Being Human" came first.  It's a drama about a vampire, werewolf, and ghost all living together in a flat.  Basically they try to go about their daily lives (except the ghost who so far seems bound to the house and isn't visible to everyone).  The vampire was turned during WWII and is battling with his urges to feed.  He has a bad habit of turning women who are interested in him.  His issue is only exasperated by a big event fellow vampires keep hinting at, our main character has chosen to be on the human side of things.  (keep in mind we've only seen the first episode so far, so don't know where any of this is going).  The werewolf was lucky enough not to be eviscerated because there was another man with him being chased that night.  He escaped with a scratch and a Curse.  There have been hints about a mysterious man getting involved with him (in the next episode it looks like) which look like his major story arc.  In addition he also has a lot of issues about accepting who he is now that he has this uncontrollable part of himself.  The ghost is living in the flat because that's where she died.  She is pining for her ex-fiance who has since moved on and is dating again.  She is easily excited when someone can see her and takes full advantage by being overly talkative, and active.  I suppose she's sort of a melancholy manic in that sense.

The show was really interesting actually.  Some of the themes are a bit other than original but the way that the characters are presented and the way their interactions have been woven together make it intriguing.  I particularly like how they put a focus on the vampire and the ghost trying to help the werewolf come to grips with who he is.  (side note, I don't remember the characters' names, except for the werewolf, who is George I think... sorry).  When they refer to vampires turning others they refer to them as monsters and predators, which adds a little dimension I think given the obvious states that our main characters are in.  I think it's a little hard to get a lot of feel for a show just from one episode, but I really look forward to seeing more.  This disc has three episodes, so we'll see how far we get.

After that we watched two episodes of "Peep Show."  Honestly after the first episode I was feeling a bit weirded out, I didn't quite get it; but during the second episode I found myself chuckling throughout most of it.  The idea is that there are a couple of roommates.  One is stuffy and the other is out there.  Not an original concept really.  The part that made it so interesting was that most of the dialogue is from the characters' thoughts.  In that sense we see that the stuffy fellow is actually a lot like his roommate in what he wants to accomplish.  Of course his thoughts rarely materialize into actions, so he ends up sputtering horribly when talking to women and being afraid of neighborhood children (who call him a pedo..).  The other roommate is trying to break into the music business and that seems to be his main motivation, though like with his friend, women are also a main focus.  These episodes were shorter than "Being Human" and focused in a lot more on little story lines.  The first one was about the roomies competing for the sexual attention of a neighbor.  Neither won out, as is often the case, but the way in which each failed was pretty fun to watch.  The second episode was about stuffy (sorry, don't remember the names here either, awful about that) trying to get the would-be musician hired on at the company where he worked because he never paid his part of the rent.  The musician does not get the job, but does get interested in a pyramid scheme that is NOT a pyramid scheme.  The stuffy roommate makes an embarrassing phone call to his object of desire at work but things somehow seem to work out.

Like Sam said, this must be a guy show.  It has a dialed back over-the-top humor, if that even makes sense.  I think the fact that we aren't meant to hear thoughts that go with actions, but here we do, makes it so appealing.  It makes things these two characters do make so much more sense, but makes them more ridiculous at the same time.  Writing that I think about a scene in the first episode when the stuffy roommate chases after those neighborhood kids with a steel pipe out of frustration.  It's so easy to understand having heard everything he thought up until that point driving him to the act, but it's still so zany.  How would you react if you saw a middle-aged man chasing kids around with a pipe?  Of course that kind of masculine sense of humor (especially with their women issues) appeals here too.  I have a feeling that me and Byron are going to be watching these on our own if we keep getting more discs, but we have six more episodes to go on this one I think.  We both got a kick out of them though.  

There's a lot to be said about watching programs that are from other countries.  We watch foreign movies every now and then (watched "Bloody Mallorie" the other day, great French horror flick) but it feels different with TV shows.  I've seen some from the BBC that I have a hard time "getting," like "Keeping Up Appearances" which Sam and the others love.  Keeping that in mind it should make it really interesting when we start watching the "Doctor Who" shows.  There's also a Russian version of "Law & Order: Criminal Intent" that I would like to see sometime.  There are just such different ideas and themes that can show up in different shows like that.  After a while the things that come up on TV here in the States starts looking the same.  There are so many crime shows it's hard to keep some of them apart.  The laugh-track shows start to get really predictable too.  I think with British television has enough cultural similarities that it allows for more understanding while still being different enough to offer fresh entertainment.  The sense of humor and the way emotions are conveyed are different enough that I really look forward to seeing more.

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Ruling a country isn't easy.  I don't think I could rule a country all by myself.  I do happen to believe in a functional monarchy though (RE: "Does this job come with a crown?").  Any sort of leadership I think is about public awareness, at least if I'm in that position.  I don't usually talk about my political beliefs, but maybe this would be a good place.  For the sake of simplicity ("too late for that," I hear you say) I'll answer the question really quickly before blathering on:  the United States of America.

My idea is that there needs to be an overhaul of how the country is run.  Of course there is all of the corruption in the politics and the corporations with which they are so inextricably entwined.  I would look at eliminating that.  Find the people who make up the various communities and start at a ground level re-imagining.  Leave the greater government fluttering in the wind for a while.  I'm not even against the idea of shrinking things a bit.  The fact that America is so big doesn't help matters really.  The misuse of resources, the abuse of the citizenry, these things are exasperated by all of the land mass that the government is in charge of.  Maybe break into five (Northeast, South, Midwest, Southwest, Northwest) separate countries, loosely tied by the cultural association.  I can't break myself into five people, but then I don't think I'd make a great leader of a country and people at this point in time anyway.  Make the governments more people centered.  The role of government is protection that a small community cannot manage (standing army) and general outlines which are to be enforced (example: Bill of Rights).  Higher courts don't hurt a whole heck of a lot either, for extreme circumstances.  Otherwise it should be a localized system.

I don't see a problem with helping to spread ideas that can work for the greater good.  The monarchy comment above is based on the idea that power is more easily corrupted the more it's spread out.  Sure, if the monarch is corrupt we're screwed, but you put in an adequate (if not outstanding) king or queen who honestly cares about the people and you're all set.  With power spread throughout multiple bodies (and more accurately more individuals) it's a constant tug of war between those people who care about the nation and those people who care only for themselves.  In that case the folks who care for themselves tend to come out with at least a little something, while the nation suffers because those who fight for them require an all-or-nothing victory which they cannot attain.  I also believe in the power that people as a whole have.  If you do not have a satisfactory monarch, the people can remove him or her.  It's easier to replace a single leader than it is to overhaul a system tied down with red tape.  

I guess all in all I did little to answer the question, but the place was chosen at least, even if I didn't accept the job.

After the previous post I got to thinking just a little bit more about the Mythology group I've hosted and gotten started (in large part with Sam's help and participation).  There had been a lot of work done with what I thought people would be interested in and my own interest in the classics.  Most of the focus was on Greek and Roman type myths, while incorporating some modern mythologies as well.  As time went on we tried to make it a lot more varied.  There would be a topic (like Artifacts or Food) and then try to find several examples, each from a different world culture and not confined by time periods.  We found some Afrikan myths, some South American myths, of course plenty of European myths, and so on and so forth.  What I've been thinking about a lot lately (meaning the last few weeks) in reference to the mythology though has been interest in the mythology surrounding my home here in New Mexico and the Great American Southwest.  I've heard a few stories about the Anasazi, trading with South American tribes, astrological ideas and innovations; but all in all I don't think I've really gotten to learn a lot about stories.  When I look things up online I get quite a bit about Avanyu, a local serpent who is in various ways connected to water in the area.  The stories span at least a handful of Pueblos.  

What I would like to do is get some more information about our local mythologies.  It's difficult to get some of the older stuff.  There are a lot of stories based around the Spanish beliefs when they came and conquered the land.  That's where a lot of the talked about "superstitions" come from, at least here in town.  La llorona is a great example of that I think.  She is said to be a mother who lost her child to rushing flash floods and thus wanders around arroyos (ditches) waiting for children playing to close so she can snatch them.  I think the general idea behind that story is that we don't want our kids playing in arroyos because flash floods are known to occur without a cloud in the sky (we get a lot of water from higher ground that can rush without warning).  In Anglo terms she has been referred to as the "Ditch Witch." Thinking about the older legends that are even more native to the area brings up the difficulties.  For the most part the Pueblos are quite secretive about their stories and beliefs.  They are more than just a little hesitant to share them with outsiders.  

I could always head to UNM and see what they've dug up, scour their archives and interviews.  The reason it seems a little bit more important for extra information too is that Sam brought up a good point.  Since the group is ordinarily held at First UU, a lot of our people could be quite knowledgeable about it already.  Most of the church has a pretty extensive academic background.  Members are not afraid to flaunt their MAs and Ph.Ds.  The biggest concern would be not keeping them interested by only giving them information they already know.  At least that's what I think the biggest concern would be.  It might be different with hosting the groups elsewhere, but since there would be a lot of local "experts" (or at least people who are knowledgeable already) it would be good to do a bit more personal and in-depth research first.  

I would like to go back to looking into mythologies of the world, but focus at first at home.  As I write the entry the idea of a new venue is sounding nicer and nicer too.  I'll look into it more I think. *nods*

Sam and I went out briefly today.  A tentative plan was to go to Arby's for some Jamocha shakes and then maybe stop by the grocery store.  We ended up stopping off at the mall after Arby's instead (it's practically across the street on Menaul) and then overheated and just went home afterward.  It felt hotter in the mall than outside, which is saying something... what with the desert and all.  We're not really "mall people."  We don't go very often, especially not when we're supposed to, like Christmas time.  This time around we thought it would be fun to do some window shopping, and it's nice because we tend to stop off at Auntie Anne's for a pretzel (I LOVE soft pretzels).  We did today by the way. *grin* I learned something today though, or at least became more aware of it.  

It was funny in a way.  I was dressed like I was sixteen.  I was the same shell holding a different person in a familiar place.  I have this Death Cab for Cutie shirt that I've had since I was sixteen.  In addition to that shirt I was wearing my blue jeans and some white sneakers I got at K-Mart (I think).  My DCFC shirt is ripped around the collar and has some small holes in the front.  It's a wear-and-tear shirt.  At this point it'll be a rag, I don't plan on wearing it again.  I did at the mall though.  We wandered into Hot Topic and it felt really strange.  On a surface level there was this hypocrisy thing I was thinking about.  Here at the household we tend to snub people who go there, in our own way.  Taking it deeper it's really about the value folks put into having bought their shirts and piercings there instead of someplace else.  If you're going to buy a band shirt, but it direct and make sure all the money goes to them.  Why bother supporting a middle man too?  Then there's that attitude of superiority involved with going there, just like there are with a lot of other stores.  All too often it's not even about quality, it really is just the name attached to the place you bought it.  In any case, I was under that spell when I was in high school.  I paid fifteen to twenty bucks for the DCFC shirt, as well as for some GnR shirts and so on.  When asked about it, yeah, it did matter to me that I got them at Hot Topic.  Those same feelings and thoughts apply to Spencer's Gifts.  We went there too.  Sam explained to me when I told her about my discomfort about how the major issue with those places is how many of their clientele behave, not so much the place itself.  Made sense to me anyway.

Something I noticed though was that my own interests and priorities were changing.  The stores I would have visited before were no longer interesting.  I avoided the cap stores (hats) the sport stores, and didn't feel comfortable in Hot Topic, etc.  Instead I had a good time going through places like Coach House and Hallmark checking out the little trinkets and so forth.  That was another weird thing because I'm not sure exactly how to make that mesh with myself.  I understand that I've changed quite a bit over the last five years, but it's something else to see it happen quite so suddenly.  That's not to say that I haven't been to the mall all this time, I have, but I guess I just haven't paid attention.  I don't mean to make more of something than there really is to it.  It's not like I'm having an epic identity crisis or anything.  I guess it's just that these things seem more important when I'm actually making an effort to change.  I'm not proud of who I've been over the last few years and before hand, but I hadn't made a point to be different.  Now I can feel like I am.

Today there was quite a bit of talk in our household about family, though in an indirect way.  Sam has been working tirelessly on our family tree.  It is a large tree, we just need to find the leaves to put on it.  The way it's being done is that all relations are being counted.  We're not just going back by a paternal or maternal lineage on one or two sides.  We are counting all in-laws and so on.  We have quite a list of last names already going now because of taking this route.  I like it though because it's more complete.  Just because families diverge doesn't make them less related, just a bit more distant in some technical senses. 

It's been sort of strange that she's put so much energy into it (especially "my" side of the tree) considering the relations we've had with my family.  After talking to her about it for quite a while, because I'm thick-skulled, I realize that it's not necessarily about being close to our family now or in the future.  It's about giving our descendants opportunities which we may not have ourselves.  Tonight Sam asked us some basic questions about our lives and philosophies toward things.  One question was who was most influential when you were eight years old and younger.  Another was when did you become aware of world events.  The idea is that even with short answers it gives people reading them later (perhaps generations down the line) a chance to get to know their ancestors better, and even get a more personal view of the time period.  While I feel people might not be interested in what I have to say about certain things or care about what I went through as an adolescent, some might.  Sam put it to me this way.  If I could know what my grandparents or great-grandparents would have answered these same questions with, would I be interested?  I would definitely be interested.  So who's to say that my great-grandchildren or great-grand-nieces and nephews won't be interested in what Old Chris had to say.

Another aspect of those questions that I really like is that it made me think a bit more about the family of today.  At least one of my answers reflected favorably on my mom, with whom I have a strained relationship at best.  It makes me think more about how things are not one-sided.  No family that I have differences with right now has ever been only negative to me or with me.  I've had good experiences with all of them.  It's important to learn from the burns, but foolish to dwell on them.  I like that aspect of it.  I feel a lot more centered about my family.

I tend to be pretty bad about noticing things.  I feel like a lot of the time the universe has to bash me upside the head for me to understand something it's trying to tell me.  Travel is everywhere right now.  Changing of seasons and the literal.  Sam and I have a couple of trips at the very least tentatively planned.  Probably next week we will be going back to Kansas City to clean out Dad's apartment.  Another train ride, which I'm excited about.  I realize I really like riding the train.  Hopefully this summer we'll be able to make that trip we wanted.  Intended stops were Kansas City (for leisure this time), Michigan to meet up with some family, and then Georgia to spend some time with good friends of ours. (more trains, yay!).  Now for the hitting upside the head bit. :P

Last night we watched "Crash" (2005) as part of an extra credit assignment for my cultural studies class.  In the movie a main character hijacks cars with his friend.  Every vehicle they jack he puts a little suction statue of St. Christopher (the patron saint of travelers).  This morning I wake up and have some breakfast while reading my book.  Thomas had his brother and soon-to-be sister-in-law over.  The relatives were leaving to Seattle today.  They're taking Amtrak. 

I haven't been thinking too much about travel even though it's been around for so long in my mind as far as how things are going nowadays and also how I've modeled things in the past.  Moving has always been a bit part of my life.  Mom had a running away thing and then when we had military fathers we moved around a lot as a part of their job.  Travel was everywhere.  That was also the route I took to get away from what wasn't working for me, running away to New Mexico.  That was also the option I was going to use when I had my depression spin-out this past winter (I almost left to Portland/ Seattle).  Something I am sure of at this point though, I love the desert too much to leave permanently.  Jokes about green chile aside (though I would totally import it or make hours-long road trips to get a green chile cheeseburger if I had to) I am too wrapped up in what it is to be out here.  My trips are leisure vacations.  I couldn't see myself living in Germany again.  I couldn't see myself living in Tennessee again.  Short of an unbeatable deal on some land I couldn't see myself out of the state.  I feel at home in Silver City, Datil, Reserve, as I do here in Albuquerque, and I've never felt as at home anywhere else.  This is where I belong.

Having said all that, I'm really looking forward to train trips and road trips. :D Seeing new things is exciting, being a tourist is fun.  Meeting friends is a great time and a spiritual growth.  I don't want to live anywhere else, but I do want to go to other places.  Hopefully St. Christopher will be kind. :)

Over the last handful of days my schedule seems to have been shifting around a bit.  I feel more energized into the later hours and wake up just slightly later (this morning I woke up at 8:45 without an alarm).  Last night I stayed up past midnight and while I did get tired when I went to bed it was still weird for me to be coherent even at that time of night.  Admittedly I did take a nap earlier in the day (10:30am to 2pm) but naps don't usually make for me staying up too much later.  Sam and I walked Zia until midnight and when we came back put on a movie.  Afterward is when I went to sleep.  I think Sam stayed up a little bit longer.  It's strange to me to think about my schedule shifting clockwise, but Sam said something that made sense.  Since it's been getting a lot warmer during the day maybe that's why I'm getting a little bit more toward a night schedule.  I am a day person, that's for sure, but not a heat person.  It'll work out well anyway since I prefer to take Zia for walks later at night during the summer so we don't have to worry about other people being at the park.  Makes it easier to let her off-leash.

Odd thing I hadn't thought about before a lot, but our room is suddenly an aviary (with a guinea pig).  A while ago we adopted three cockatiels and a parrot from Tina and Junior while they were staying in a place that didn't allow pets.  Well, since then they've come to an arrangement and taken back the parrot and one of the cockatiels.  We were left with two of them (Rio and Roxy).  Of course in addition to those two, we also have Paige, who is our pigeon that we tried to patch up after a cat attack left her unable to fly (by the way, we know she's a girl because she lays eggs regularly).  Well a little while ago Roxy passed away.  Tina had gotten them from a rescue shelter with the knowledge that not only were they already seniors, but also abused seniors.  It didn't come as much surprise when Roxy needed to move on.  Since cockatiels are highly social birds (they go manic if they are alone until they tire themselves out and pass out) we thought about getting Rio a friend.  Well, cockatiels are insanely expensive and we have the problem of Rio passing first and then needing to get another friend for the new friend.  It would be a cycle.  So instead we decided on a different route.  Recently we got a couple of parakeets (from Petsmart) to liven things up a bit for Rio.  Little did we know that they were going to liven things up for all of us.  After spending quite a while chasing them flapping crazily around the room, we got to hear them make a fuss in their cage for quite a while.  I think it's an adjustment period (Rio has even tried talking to them, or at least at them) but boy howdy birds are noisy!  Between Rio's high-pitched squawks, and the parakeet's (yet to be named) low-pitched scritches, and Paige's soothing but persistent cooing there is hardly ever quiet in our room.  Through it all our guinea pig Sherlock doesn't seem to mind at all.  He's more open than he's ever been (even being calm and receptive to a toe nail clipping) and has no problem hanging out in the open and napping through all of the ruckus. 

With all the complaining up there I am still pleased about how things are going.  Paige is so much more affectionate than she used to be.  She's trying to become a house bird.  More and more she's been wanting to wander around the house.  We keep her in a bird cage too, but let her out for exercise now and again.  She's hopped around our room and pecked around the backyard (though she has a habit of heading straight inside if the backdoor is open) but lately she's wanted to follow me and Sam where ever we go.  She even laid an egg on Sam, which was as hilarious as it was surprising.  I feel like everyone will adjust to the new arrangement, and our little parakeet friends will get along with Rio and give him the company he needs.  

I've been playing a game (inFamous) where the main character can make Good or Evil decisions.  It's pretty clear cut stuff: do you give this food to everyone to eat or do you thin the herd so there's more for you?  Sharing = Good ...... Murder = Evil.  I've been playing the game with the intent to be as good as I can be.  The upside to being good is that people like you and you get a special selection of powers (though you get separate powers for being evil).  Today when I played I started a new game where I would try to be evil (since the game theoretically plays out a little differently based on choices you make) because I didn't feel like getting frustrated over the difficulty of the point I had reached in my other file but still wanted to play the game.  The system is pretty interesting in games, and I've played others where it was similar, but it makes me wonder something.  Could it be a bad influence to portray morality to young people (though let's be honest, children play M rated games too) in such a two-face way?  

The reason I think about it is because that's been a problem of mine.  I have had an all or nothing mentality where if I make one mistake it takes away all of the progress I had made, and balked when me having a good day didn't make enough of a difference compared to the awful week I gave people earlier.  Most of the time in my relationship with Sam (and family/ friends) I've noticed that black/ white...good/ evil isn't the way it works.  There are things I've done that would seem obviously bad which have had good repercussions as well.  There were things I thought were good that had some bad consequences which I didn't keep in mind.  Saying and doing is what makes up a relationship and both have their place.  Both are also governed by a rainbow (or grayscale) of differences and not just a 1 or a 10.  In fact it seems to me like it's been far more harmful than anything to try and see the world in black and white.  

Thinking about the game, if the main character (Cole) decides the horde the food for himself and his family, who's to say that isn't in fact the best decision?  The whole city is scrambling to get to that food, how do we know that it's not mostly a bunch of ruthless folks who fought/ killed others just to get there in the first place?  If there is a food shortage, we can't be sure that some people won't take more than their share if no one looks over the food.  On a base level it's an obvious decision, but when we look further into it there are other factors.  It's easy to accidentally make a bad decision while we're thinking about how awesome of a job we just did.  I guess that's where the saying "the road to Hell is paved with good intentions," comes from.

Something that I've thought about for quite sometime now is also how difficult it is to look at something from multiple angles (probably also a programming nightmare, hence the simple dichotomy coding in the game).  Sam has this chaos theorist side to her which comes out quite often.  It's frightening to hear her vocalize every aspect of her thought process, especially when it comes to planning something.  She's talked about having back up plans for her back up plans (I've heard others do the same) but describing it doesn't quite do justice for all the angles of an event she's looking at to make it happen.  She thinks of things most folks would never dream could happen to put a damper on something.  Of course those impossible moments have happened to our family and then we get bailed out by one of Sam's plans.  It's crazy she could have figured so many aspects in.  But she doesn't look at just the black and white.  She doesn't look at "this is how the picnic should go" and "but let's do this if it rains."  It's so much more than that.  Having that trait is something I would like to work on more, even though it's hard to do because it requires so much conscious effort and attention.  It's almost like writing a book, look at all the scenarios.  Before you give that homeless man a dollar, think about it.  Before you bad talk someone behind their back, think about it.  And then think about it some more.  

These aren't decisions that can be made in a split second like a do or don't decision, but sometimes they have to be.  That's when it gets tricky, and that's something to practice toward.  But maybe I'll start by doing that with more long-term plans (like trips or shopping next week).

Why are you so full of yourself?

I'm not, I've just been through a lot okay?  I'm not looking for accolades or even attention or anything here.  I just want this to be over with already.

Get the hell over yourself! You're the main character in this story, you wouldn't be if you didn't want the attention.  You know that you don't really matter, right?

I don't see what that has to do with anything..

It has everything to do with this particular situation.  For some reason you think you matter, otherwise you wouldn't be playing the role you're playing.  The point of this is for people to be entertained, people are entertained by giving their attention to a central figure or group of people.  That's you right now.  Don't you feel important?  I'm willing to bet that you do when you would in fact be mistaken.

I'd appreciate it if you wouldn't answer your own questions on my behalf.

Well you're not going to answer them, are you?  At least not honestly, that's not something you're very capable of I don't think.  At least that's what your actions have shown.  

I've been trying to make up for it!

Stop acting like this is your play already!  You haven't been, if you were there would be no reason for me to be here now would there?  I'm my own proof of the argument.  You're an idiot, an egotistical idiot.  

I don't see how insulting me is going to clear anything up.

Listen.. you know that you are the main attraction to these people right now, right?  This movie, this book, this story is about you.  Like that one guy likes to say, you're the star of your own autobiography.  Tell me how that couldn't grow your ego.

Well I....

Don't talk yet, I'm not done.  It must feel good getting all that attention.  The cutting, the arguments, the sulky look you like to try and pull off, while not trying to do anything, right?  All those things are you seeking attention, you're even willing to go far enough to elaborately deny it and create side stories to avoid people noticing.  Which is kind of ironic now that I think about it.  

Everyone likes attention.

But not everyone needs attention all the time like you seem to think.

They want to pay attention to me, they paid their money to find out about my life and what it means.  Maybe they'll even get something out of it to help themselves.

First of all, nothing from you life is going to help anyone.  Second of all, they paid for entertainment, nothing more.  If this is on DVD or something a lot of folks probably didn't even pay.  Heck, book stores and libraries give away books all the time.  People just want to waste their time with you.  But hey, let's give you the benefit of the doubt.  Say they are interested in YOU.  How interested are they really?  They'll spend two hours on a movie, a few days on your book; after that they forget about you and move on to the next story which will inspire them until they forget immediately afterward and move on again.  

I don't see how any of that matters to be honest with you.

You're stupid.  You are being a pretentious piece of shit, acting like you have any kind of value beyond that roach in the corner. 

Why do you care anyway?!  If anything I matter more than I thought because you're willing to go through so much work and thought to disprove me!

Well that only makes sense doesn't it?  I don't think you're ever going to really figure it out, are you? 

There's nothing to figure out, now leave me alone. 

You're not that lucky friend.  But hey, you could always pop in a movie or something and give your mind a rest.  Never know, it might work out for you.  Idiot.