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Describe three ways teachers can foster learning using positive affect in the classroom.  Be sure to include concrete examples of your strategies.

Positive affect is the concept explaining that connecting positive emotions to the learning experience can lead to desirable outcomes.  Perhaps the most important way for a teacher to promote positive affect is by utilizing the power of empathy.  When a teacher is excited about the material and in a good mood, students are likely to follow.  Of course the downside is that if a teacher is apathetic, the students will pick up on this and be more likely to zone out.  This can be taken advantage of by putting a big focus on behaving excitedly when teaching a subject or concept notorious for being “boring” to students or a concept for which few people see practical application. 

It is also important to avoid negative affect in order to promote positive affect.  Teachers need to build a nurturing learning environment in which students feel safe (and even good about) sharing their ideas and giving answers.  Foster a classroom in which it is unacceptable to put down other people’s ideas.  If a student feels comfortable sharing an idea (especially an unusual one) positive affect is most likely to be experienced.  Sharing is an important part of any classroom and this is one of the best ways to foster that.  Including students in making rules about discussions is a good way to do this.  Talk about “Golden Rule”-like ideas.  “How would you feel if someone thought you asked a silly question?”  Promoting active listening and fearless participation is key for all students.

Getting the students excited and interested in a topic is also a good way to promote positive affect.  This can be done by allowing them some autonomy when it comes to choosing topics for papers or research projects.  Personal interests can also be worked into common lessons.  My physics instructor would work funny stories and scenarios into his exams.  While physics was difficult for me, coupling this exam method with his engaging lecture style gave me good feelings about his class and in connection, the material.  If a student has good emotions to couple with material, they are very likely to perform better when asked about the material.

Ms. Gomez is ready to start today's lesson with her seventh-grade honors algebra class. As the students loudly enter the classroom and find their seats, she notices that Alyssa, a gifted student who always outperforms the rest of the class, is unusually quiet. Although Alyssa actively participated in all class discussions and group projects during the first weeks of class, Ms. Gomez has observed that her enthusiasm has been slowly dropping.

 

“All right everyone, get your journals out and start answering the question on the board individually. In five minutes you will need to get in pairs to discuss your answers,” Ms. Gomez says. In the meantime, Rebecca and Cat are whispering. “Yeah, she is so stupid. She is always acting like she knows everything,” says Rebecca. “Like she is so… smart.”

 

“We should do something to make her know how much we hate her,” Cat reacts. “Maybe we should do something to her locker.”

 

The five minutes are over, and Ms. Gomez starts walking around the paired students. She notices that Alyssa, Rebecca, and Cat have not written anything in their journals. When questioned why her paper is blank, Rebecca responds, “I just didn't get to it; I had something important to take care of first.” Ms. Gomez then moves to Alyssa. “What's going on with you, Alyssa?”

 

“I just can't think of an answer to the question,” answers Alyssa.

 

“What, the ‘smarter than everyone else Alyssa’ doesn't have an answer?” Cat asks ironically. “Did you take a stupid pill at lunch, smarty?”

 

“Cat, please turn to your partner and start working. We have a lot to do today,” Ms. Gomez says.

 

If you were mentoring Ms. Gomez, and she brought this scenario to you as an example of issues she is having motivating her students to learn what advice would you give her?  Be sure to keep your answer to strategies addressing motivation to learn.  Please address strategies for Alyssa, Cat and Rebecca separately, as they are individual students with individual motivations driving their behavior. 

Alyssa appears to be looking for something to occupy her time.  She is the first to comment out of her and Cat.  Cat seems to jump on board and overdo it by appealing to the topic Alyssa has chosen to distract her from the assignment.  The only thing which distracts from this theory is that Rebecca started off dejected before these comments started which implies that this has been going on for a while.  I would suggest that it is an ongoing trend that Alyssa is bored with school and Cat seeks Alyssa’s approval.  The two of them have made Rebecca the target of their en oui.  This has made Rebecca be on edge and unable to focus on her work.

For Alyssa I would suggest making school more interesting to motivate her.  Perhaps include more of her interests so that she feels willing to be involved in the work instead of feeling a need to distract.   Asking Alyssa what she would like in her lessons (or doing a general “pick your topic” assignment) would work well.  Cat is looking for acceptance from fellow students.  Perhaps Ms. Gomez could try to pair her with a compatible person for projects who would hopefully be a better influence and provide that sense of belonging Cat is looking for.  This would also be a good reason to work on the entire classroom to create an environment where there is a sense of teamwork and belonging for the whole class.  Rebecca is suffering from the torment of Alyssa and Cat.  According to Maslow’s hierarchy of needs, Rebecca is so concerned with her well-being (in this case emotional and mental) to be able to focus on the school work.  Gaining Alyssa’s interest and aiding Cat’s need for social acceptance would alleviate the stress being put on Rebecca.

Swimming

Oct. 9th, 2010 01:19 pm
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I want to go swimming. I want to duck under the water and be completely covered on all sides. Like a blanket, but filling my every crevice and adhering to my every curve. It's like a hug and all encompassing. Swim like a frog, swim like a seal. I like to blow out as much air as I can and slowly float down with my eyes closed and my arms and legs flayed out to my sides, or crumpled against my body in a fetal position. Bob my head above the water and take an agonizing breath and heave as I float on my back and regain my calm, being caressed by the waves spilling over my stomach and occasionally trying to work their way onto my eyes. The light is brighter through the water and the world becomes dim. Sounds get filtered into something other-worldly and beautiful, even traffic. Hold my breath, release the bubbles, find the bottom, and glide. Running my hands along the rocks, the sand, even the concrete. I pull myself along and feel the full pressure of the water pushing in on my and giving me that hug. I feel the current rush past my face, and I feel my chest compressed and gloriously release the rest of my air and push to the surface. It has been a long time since I've been swimming. Will my hair be in my face as I take in that rush of oxygen? There is nothing else there, but I feel felt and held. I want to go swimming.
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In the wake of some of the recent elections I thought I'd put out my ideas about politics in America.  I think it's silly, especially the voters.  People often complain about the corruption which has been and is running rampant in the government.  To be honest, it's the voters own fault.  I could see making the mistake to put them in office the first time, but this has been going on for decades and decades now, it's not something new.  Yet people keep voting the same way.  What I'm referring to specifically is this change thing that Obama seems to have popularized with his presidential campaign. 

My first qualm was with how electing someone from one of the two dominant political parties was change.  It is still maintaining the status quo.  Then when I heard about the recent elections results the same thing happened.  People are again talking about how things are going to change, how is that?  You people just elected people from the OTHER major political party.  I don't ally myself with Republicans or Democrats (as far as political leanings).  When people got sick of what the Republicans (and popularly Bush) were doing, they put Democrats (popularly Obama) in office.  Now that the public is not happy with what the Democrats (again, popularly Obama) are doing, they put Republicans back in office!  This has all happened in roughly a decade.  I'm quite certain that falls under the dictionary definition of insanity.

The American people say they want change, but that's a load.  They are blatantly BSing themselves.  If they wanted change, they wouldn't talk big and then keep swinging back and forth between the two parties which have kept the status quo to begin with.  I still have heard of no other parties gaining a lot of attention.  The Libertarians and such get some press occasionally, but even with the American public getting comfortable with hearing their name and hearing their stance on issues the people are still not willing to put them into major office, same goes with the Green party.  I don't particularly support either's views, but my point is that if those "other" parties have been around for a while and still are not enough to challenge the status quo in people's minds, then what chance do the other dozens of parties have which the American people are too lazy to look into? 

You want true "change?"  Start/ join a revolution.  Or at the very least don't vote for the same people every single time; because yes, at this point the Democrats and the Republicans are basically the same in the way it counts.  That is, they both equally upset the American people, and yet they are still put into those positions of power.  At this point, if America goes down the drain, it is no one else's fault but the people's.

Roaches

Apr. 22nd, 2010 05:10 pm
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I can completely see why people see cockroaches as pests.  In so many ways they really are.  There are tons of them.  They don't really do us humans any good, though they do us bad, usually in the form of bites and such.  They don't look particularly cute or attractive at all.  Heck, a lot of people don't mind beetles, but these don't remind us of beetles (though they are).  Usually they don't show up unless the place is dirty enough for them to carve out a comfortable living.  Besides that, they're basically indestructible.  Sure, you can step on them, but try getting to the ones in the walls or under the floor boards.  Even with a good poisonous dusting you can't usually get rid of all of them.

Having said that, I also want to point out that for the longest time I didn't like cockroaches either.  Over the last few months I've made a conscious change to that though.  Our current place (which we will be moving out of soon enough) has a decent roach problem.  I don't like killing them.  I'll do mercy killings if they're still twitchy or something like that but basically dead, but that's it.  If they're turned over on their backs, I'll turn them right-side-up.  I don't mind them being around personally (though sometimes it's annoying to move them out of the shower if I'm getting ready for one, they don't like to cooperate, of course, neither do the grandfather spiders or the polies).  These ideas probably seem pretty gross to most people.  At one point I did complain about how they seem to be all over the place in our house, and Sam mentioned that maybe they just want to be noticed.  They don't want their existence or their deaths to be "just another notch."

I haven't been too sure where my recent affinity for roaches has come from.  I'm still not happy to get bitten occasionally.  But that's not enough for me to want to evict them or anything.  A few months back I even wrote a little story:

http://feil.livejournal.com/25090.html

I'm thinking that they're creatures like any others really.  What makes them worse to have around than most other bugs?  There's a host of spiders which bite us in our sleep, but as a household we don't mind those really (short of widows and recluses of course).  It might be just me trying to be different, but I feel like it's more than that.  I tie the roaches a lot to humanity.  I mean, besides the obvious non-too-flattering comparison, there's a dependence of roaches on people.  They wouldn't be as successful if it weren't for us humans.  If we were to go extinct, roaches may survive the reason we died, but without us around and our environmental advantages (heat, etc.) they would die out in mass numbers.  That idea happens to be backed by National Geographic. 

http://channel.nationalgeographic.com/episode/aftermath-population-zero-3225/Videos#tab-Videos/05037_00

On a personal level, maybe there's an idealistic connection between me and the roaches.  Going back to Sam's talk about wanting to be noticed, maybe it's a reflection of what I want people to do with me.  If I can give the time of day to flip a roach (a creature "noone" likes) that others "should" be able to give me the time of day.  In my case not necessarily deservedly so.  That's sort of what I'm thinking mainly.  I am a bit of an attention hog, and while I don't like to admit it, I enjoy drama (*shivers*).

Beyond those things, though, I do believe they're pretty fascinating critters.  I sometimes wish other people would look beyond the "EWW, GROSS!" stereotype and look at them the way they would at ladybugs or ants.


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85 words

Typing Test


I'm going to have to try harder next time.
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Read an excerpt from my Humanities book today about Existentialism. I've read about it a bit before, but most of my exposure to it was through Albert Camus ("The Stranger," "Exile and the Kingdom"). Basically Jean-Paul Sartre put forth the idea that human beings have no fixed nature. Human beings are "condemned to be free." Also, every choice we make affects not only ourselves, but those around us, and ultimately all of mankind. This idea Sartre called "anguish." The only thing we don't have control over is our birth, which is why we are "condemned to be free," without our own choice, we are thrust into a world for which we are completely 100% accountable.

It made me think about things differently. First of all, that seemed horribly depressing. The words which the Frenchman used to describe the conditions probably had a lot to do with it. I suppose that those are the things most people would feel. Imagining the idea of every single action affecting all of mankind would drive some to feel anguish. Of course there are those who believe that these conditions are a good thing, a very hopeful thing even. I have mixed feelings, and for me I swing back and forth between the two ideas. I need to committ to one (good thing).

One of the central ideas is that there is no one else to hold accountable. Existentialists don't argue about whether or not there is or isn't a God, because that doesn't matter to their argument. Simply that humans are completely responsible for their actions and cannot blame anything else, such as divinity, chance, passion, or another human being. In the end, we all put ourselves into the situations we wanted/ needed/ or neglected ourselves enough to be in.

The reason I bring this up (since I'm not enjoying being so academic in personal postings lately) is because it seems to reflect the ideas of a lot of people close to me whom I know. Being fully accountable is something which has scared the crud out of me to be perfectly honest. Like most people I enjoy excuses. It's my parents fault. It's rough at work. I'm just tired. All kinds of bullshit marches through my lips.

Control I

Apr. 5th, 2010 08:07 pm
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My understanding of satanists is that they "look out for number one."  They don't necessarily do the mainstream version of devil-worship with the "gothic" get-up and sacrificing neighborhood pets.  As a rule, satanists just want whatever gives them pleasure, regardless of the cost to those around them.  At least that's the idea which I've picked up. 

To me that's a control issue.  Sometimes I feel like I fit into that category.  Many of my remembered experiences are remembered because of the involvement I had, while disregarding the involvement of others in the experience and the part they played in my own development (whatever type it might be).  The "me" perspective is overpowering the "us" or "we" perspectives in my relationships. 

Just like with a lot of aspects of my personality I'm not completely sure when this mindset started.  It doesn't seem very prominent until it involves those truly closest to me.  Even then it takes someone pretty perceptive and truly involved to take notice.  Building myself as a person is not my only mission and that's something I keep choosing to ignore.  I've been taking advantage of those around me to gain those ends, as if they won't be around forever, or rather, as if they won't be a part of me forever.  I don't put the energy I need into my relationships, into building the entities which involve more than one person.  Those shared experiences, those memories, those plans for the future shape how a relationship evolves, grows, and feels.

These things connect to control because they're some of the few things which actually work both ways in that form.  It's a strange thing at first, but it doesn't take too long to realize just how difficult it becomes to have control over my life when I keep such a tight grasp on it that everything else flies by as if there were nothing stopping it.  Being good at one subject in school doesn't earn me a degree.  Having control over one aspect of my life doesn't put me in control of my life.

Interestingly enough to me this also shows control in a not so bad light, even if I'm not utilizing it in the positive way I'm talking about, at least yet.  It seems like changing is something which should come easily enough if we're willing, and I guess that's true, but it also seems difficult enough that it's not something that wants to come to just anybody who wastes their life in front of a glowing rectangle, so to speak.  Sometimes control and comfort seem as though they're at odds with each other.  I think that like everything the effects change.  2+2 does not always equal 4.  It's a truth in this world which does not actually fit into a box of any particular shape.

Naked and dripping he knows where he's going,
Lost to the others and found to himself,
He feels his way along the walls,
Leaving a trail anyone can follow,
Once he gets to his destination,
He realizes he's arrived at the pool,
Going for a swim he comes out again,
Naked and dripping,
Everyone looks at him and sees something different,
And so does he,
But what's really changed?
Everything?

Control

Apr. 4th, 2010 08:57 pm
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I've always been a big fan of control.  When I was in Clarksville I was especially into control.  I was under the very mistaken impression that I had control over everything.  From being able to be whatever I wanted when I grew up to feeling like I could even control my sexual urges around the girls I lusted after.  Honestly.. yeah right. 

Here in Albuquerque I wanted to stay under these mistaken impressions.  I enjoyed feeling like I had the power.  Of course those feelings haven't been very conducive to having a very good life, or an honest life.  It's pretty understandable therefore that I've pissed off so many people.  I have fucked up enormously in that respect.  Thinking tonight I realize that there is so little that I have had control of in the past, at least in the way that I thought I did.  It's ridiculous.  If I hadn't left Clarksville when I did, I would be an extremely unready father right now.  It's been one big game of self-delusion.  "Bless your soul, you really think you're in control?"

It really is kind of funny to think about it when you consider that I've lived so much of my life around the idea that I had everything under control.  It's really apparent now, but at the time it didn't seem to make any difference to me.  It's weird how that seems to change so quickly.  It's also strange how that would counter and react with the new ideas I have about having influence over my own actions.  I guess the major difference is in thinking I'm in control and doing nothing about it and realizing I don't have much control and then exerting it where possible.  There's something about realizing that we have limits and finding that middle ground with forging our own destinies.  Nothing is black and white, though the shade of gray or bright red might be hard to distinguish at first.

Things get difficult when I think about how much of an idiot I was and still fall into every once and again.  Sam and I have had difficulties with that in our relationship with the way I've acted and reacted to things like that.  I've taken for granted the energy and such that I might have, or in fact that control.  Not being willing to admit defeat is not always a good point in a person, like with me.  Sometimes I need to admit that I can't do something, let loose of that control.  That's also an idea I need to keep in mind with my relationships, because people are not just items to have and to use, but people to be affected by and to make a positive difference.  A metaphor Sam used today in reference to a different subject was the sheep to slaughter idea.  I don't need to try and manipulate people like sheep, especially when I don't actually earn nearly that type of influence. 

Something important for me to learn here is to be more humble and to not think so highly and selfishly of myself.


Doom?

Mar. 30th, 2010 05:25 pm
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Probably not.  In Archaeology we've started the unit on the Mayans.  Of course their 2012 doomsday prophecy was brought up.  For the record, the Mayans didn't actually say the world would be destroyed in that year, it just happens to be the end of a cycle.  At worst that means we re-start again.  My own thoughts are that their civilization came to an end before they were able to map out the next calendar.  This one was scheduled (roughly) to end when the sun aligns with the center of the milky way galaxy.  That's no easy feat to figure out.  Imagine how much longer they would have needed for their next cycle.

We were talking about how we think people will react as the date (December 21, 2012) gets closer and closer.  I'm figuring that there will be some people who go all out with survival gear and take the story literally and that there will be people who don't believe in it and will not care.  Of course there will be those who do nothing in either direction and will act like their not paying attention to the day coming but will secretly be wondering.  This made me think about the Y2K scare.  It seems really similar.

I remember that changeover.  I was still living in Kansas, I would have been ten years old I think.  That night, I remember thinking about what it would mean if the world really did end at midnight.  (By the way, I didn't think about the time zone issue or about the "2001" rollover issue).  The thought that went through my mind was "Oh my gosh, I haven't even beat my Pokemon game yet!"  I'm not joking by the way.  It makes me wonder how many other children, and mostly grown people, are honestly in that kind of a frame of mind.  Of course, who CARES if I finish that game, the world is ending; but that was my priority, and I think that's pretty sad, even for a ten year old.

Nowadays if that was the situation, the end of the world and all, it would be difficult not to think about all the things that my family and I haven't done yet, things we were "supposed" to be able to do.  Tomorrow is never guaranteed.  I would do my best, though, to think about how wonderful my life had been so far though.  If there was preparation time I'm thinking we would all probably try to get out to some deserted land and spend our last hours/ days out there. 

Frivolous

Mar. 30th, 2010 06:49 am
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As I'm developing more into the person I want to be I find myself changing my mind about a lot of things.  When I was growing up in a world completely about school, it was easy to get caught up in academics and take that for what the world is about.  Now, don't get me wrong, that's what I'm good at, it's interesting, but having found myself thinking about the present and the future, most of academics seems frivolous in comparison to application.  In addition, I don't feel like modern American academics makes a proper connection to application either.  I have a reader at home that I read a bit out of occasionally.  We bought it for my English 102 class a few terms ago but of course we didn't read most of the entries.  In the portion of the book dedicated to argument, the below comic was featured:
I'm one of those students who bullshits his way through school.  Just like Calvin up there, I use big words and lofty ideas to basically convey simple ideas, or sometimes not much of anything at all.  That gets me "A"s.  In a recent entry by Sam[livejournal.com profile] ziasummer she mentions how she would rather get a "C" and learn something than get an "A" and not learn anything.  We've had talks about it a lot before, so that's nothing new to me.  That is something I would like to get into more myself, but at the same time education is so often viewed as a means anymore.  "Get through and get a job."  I know how to get through; but then it doesn't really count as much more than a checkmark, does it?

I've posted some of my essays in this journal, I think just about all of them are Public as well, so if you're interested, check them out and tell me what you think, honestly.  That's the kind of work I usually do in academics, and it's not usually work I feel good about.  I can't remember more than a couple times turning in something I felt I put my all into, or even more than average into.  I feel a lot better about my work when it comes back with an "A" plastered to it, but that feels superficial to me. 

Yesterday in one of my groups there was a woman who was a bit more of what I would like to be, self-sufficient.  She went to school to be a mechanic, and got that accomplished.  She noticed that there were a lot of portions of vehicles which needed welding done, so she went back to school and got a welding certificate.  When she bought a house it needed plumbing work done.  She went back to school again and got a plumbing certificate.  When she decided she wanted more done with her yard, she went and learned how to do landscaping and got a certificate for that.  By the sounds of it she wasn't just collecting credits, but she actually used the knowledge.  She's using those skills now to build a couple of homes on some property she owns (with the help of her brother who will fill out most of the rest of the skills) and be able to do upkeep mostly on her own.  She wanted to do something and she did it for the sake of learning.

That's something I've noticed about people in trades especially.  For those academic classes I take, I don't know more than maybe one or two people who would actually complain if a class was cancelled.  In trades, and I work in Welding and hang out at Machining a lot, students show up HOURS early to see if they'd be allowed to get started.  Lord knows how often Byron has complained about students not wanting to leave after class.  These people are here to genuinely learn something to use in their lives.  They sometimes come up with their own projects, they do work on it at home after taking a three-six hour class.  That is something which I highly respect.  That is not frivolous. 

While I am truly interested in subjects like history and some of the other social studies, those seem like little more than hobbies, like reading comic books or watching a TV show religiously.  It's neat to tell people that I've read the Aeneid in Latin (at least half of it anyway) but what does that actually matter?  It's neat thinking about the past and what some of those things mean, and honestly I do think we have a lot to learn if we'd be willing to apply it (past mistakes are all too easy to ignore) but again it just seems frivolous sometimes.  And look at how flooded the world is with people who dedicate themselves to these things.  Try getting a job as a historian.  You'll be a teacher more than likely, and even those jobs are hard to find anymore, nevermind actually working with museums or something like that.  Even in teaching below college level, a place which is always hurting for more teachers, English and social studies teachers are overcrowded.  It seems no one wants to teach the more applied (including mathematics) subjects. 

I'm not trying to say that academics itself is frivolous, but I do think that it's something our culture has helped push that way.  I had a Developmental Psychology instructor once who said that every guy who drives a city bus has a bachelor's degree.  His point was that we had to go further than that.  I didn't particularly like that instructor, but besides that point we've trivialized academics to the point where it has become more about numbers than about actually learning anything.  Even in college it's getting to be more and more about people passing (especially in community college where students are expected to move to university level) than about people learning something.

Just some musings, I mean, it really feels like what I've wanted to put my life into is proving to be unreliable in the way it's set up.  That puts the responsibility back on me to make it count for more.
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Tonight we watched a couple of episodes of "Gilmore Girls."  During tonight's episodes, one of the main characters, Luke, found out he had a daughter who was twelve years old who he didn't know about.  In the meantime, him and his fiance had a talk about being open and honest because the fiance, Lorelai, would keep it from him when she would talk with her ex-, Christopher.  Well, sure enough, when Luke found out about his daughter, he didn't tell Lorelai.  He thought that things were finally calming down and he didn't want to ruin it.  And besides, his daughter and ex-girlfriend seemed to not want much to do with him (due to lack of communication from their parts).

I've noticed that with a lot of entertainment it can be easy to find reflections of our own lives and our own feelings and thoughts wrapped up in it.  It's easier to notice those similarities when someone on TV or in a movie or in a book makes mistakes we've made.  Tonight I groaned and recognized that at the first real sign of it.  Something I have wanted to have way too much trouble with in my own life, usually until it's far too late.

Luke should have told Lorelai right away.  Staying in that momentary comfort zone is not worth the pain it causes later, especially with distrust and hypocrisy involved.  I was thinking, "Luke, just tell her, she probably wouldn't mind, it's not like you knew."  Lorelai is pretty understanding, and even feels like she owes Luke a lot, especially since she has made her share of mistakes.  Of course that same situation has been reflected so often in my life.  Truth, no matter how uncomfortable it might be in the moment, is the best policy, and something which ultimately leads to the best conclusion.
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The human body is a truly magical and mystical thing.  Follow the syringe into the vessel, caught up in a red draft.  Swirl about into a micro world in which everything is fantastic and unbelievable.  Think as the chemicals coming from your own center of being turn you into the person who people see on the outside, or perhaps the person only you yourself see.  Hormones, raging, the cliche used to describe teenagers but just as apt for any man or woman.  Not just for sex, but for life completely.  Bringing us to the mountain top peaks and plunging us into the depths so deep we have to evolve gills and bio-luminescence to survive.  Seeking sustenance as an angler fish. 

I have a handful of things "wrong" with me.  I have a hormone imbalance, which luckily enough can be basically corrected with diet control.  Now it's just a matter of doing that.  I can't have too much meat, especially processed, or I "male" out to a dangerous extreme.  I'm compensating with V8.  I have anxiety issues which right now warrant medication.  

I doubt if I'm bipolar, or if my moods have much to do with "flawed" biology, but it's something I'm thinking about this evening.  It seems like there's a lot at work somewhere to swing people so radically.  To swing me so radically.  I've had thoughts of suicide before, and I've had times when the simplest little thing makes me yearn for more life.  Times when I wish I would just get swept away and times when the sun on my face feels like the breath of the universe itself.  

I love my life.  There are so many ups and so many downs, but such small things stick out.  Right now I'm caught up in stress management with so much happening in my life, in my family's life.  There's much to be done (Pooh Corner) but I'm learning to appreciate all of my emotions, even the ones that seem like they want to suck me under or pull me up uncontrollably.  It's all such a wonder.

Comedy

Mar. 21st, 2010 03:39 pm
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When I was just a bit younger I was into pretty "edgy" comedy.  Every once in a while I would even be attracted to the comedies which were built around shock; things like cursing, nudity, physical violence.  For example, those MTV shows that came on for a while I ate up: "Jackass," "Viva la Bam," etc.  Those were completely billed as shows about people hurting themselves and others.  Mean spirited pranks.  Of course movies are full of this stuff, looking at most films about college life or young people in general.  Nudity and slapstick abound, as well as a healthy amount of cursing.  All the "good ones" were rated R.  When they came out on DVD you had to get the "special UNRATED version."  

I liked stand-up comedy a lot, I still do honestly.  My favorite stand-ups were the angry stand-ups, the complainers, the "edgy" ones.  While I couldn't quite get into acts like "Dice" Clay, I watched folks like Denis Leary and Lewis Black.  While they did have some interesting and funny material, a lot of it boils down to screaming, and in some cases cursing.  I think that's also what's most popular now.  I've gotten quite a few laughs from shows like "Bananas" which are family friendly stand-up shows.  I know "Bananas" has a religious affiliation, but that's not why I like it, and the material usually isn't geared that way either.  It's just not "edgy."

It wasn't until I met Sam that I started to turn things around a bit myself.  I still found those things funny, don't get me wrong, but I started thinking about it more.  Now, when I catch parts of "Family Guy" and "South Park" I sort of wonder why I found those things funny as a kid.  It just seems frivolous and kind of silly.  That's not to say I'm "above" anything.  I laugh for some comedies on primetime TV, I like "Two and a Half Men" and "Big Bang Theory" but those are things I connect with to some degree (similar experiences) or occasionally the meat of a joke.  I have noticed a lot of my tastes changing though.  

I find older, what some might argue are more "wholesome," things funnier now.  For stand-up I've found Bob Newhart, and he's a blast.  We have been renting copies of "Candid Camera," and those are funny to me.  The jokes and set-ups aren't malicious, just a little silly.  The funny parts are fully the people's reactions, not the set-up like with other hidden camera shows nowadays.  I would recommend "Candid Camera" to anyone.  It was also a more innocent time.  There are things they've done on that show which would be frowned upon today.  It's okay to beat people up for entertainment, but it's not okay to ask a little girl for a kiss on the cheek.  What happened?

It seems like entertainment in most forms is losing substance in favor of cliches.  Not to dwell on the past too much here, but it seems like that's where the real fulfilling entertainment is.
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So there's a pretty important update to include here since I've been so abstract about posting when I have posted and not very concrete.  Also since I haven't posted much over the last few months outside of the last couple of weeks or so.

A few months ago Sam introduced me to a young lady named Amanda Johnson from Montana/ Canada.  The two of us really hit it off, though we were not too sure about what Sam would think.  Well, in January we physically consummated how we felt about each other.  Sam found out recently, as did the world, when Amanda let me know that we are pregnant with twins.  That happened last week.  So just like that, in seemingly a flash, Sam divorced me to make room for Amanda, and Amma and I got married over the weekend.  Amma has had to go back home since she doesn't work here, but she's keeping me in the loop and we're as close as ever.  As far as Sam and I are concerned, we're still good friends (and living together and everything) but we weren't very good as a married couple, as is evidenced by our insane relationship.  

This helps lead into the relationship with families merging.  My sister Terri has been wonderful in being supportive of both of us (Sam and I) as well Amanda, though they haven't had much of a chance to talk.  It's a game of patience with my family since they haven't been willing to be too involved up until this point, and it seems like it always takes a pretty extreme event to bring them around.

It's something really odd and jolting to add for me to figure myself out and how things are working around me. 




Life doesn't always seem like it works out the way we want it to or even the way we need it to.  The face is we don't know what the fuck we're on about until it's already happened, at least if we choose not to be aware of it.  That attitude works with us and it works against us because it's what we put our own personal energy into.  Patience is the key to so many things, though, like with everything else, doesn't fit every lock.  Rocking back and forth the waves keep us on and off our feet.

Allergies?

Mar. 13th, 2010 01:19 pm
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I woke up this morning feeling just fine.  Nothing out of the ordinary.  About a half hour or so into my drawing class I noticed that I couldn't stop what I thought were "it's cold outside" sniffles.  As the day went on it got worse.  I bailed out of my drawing class early and came home and took a Walitin (claritin).  My head feels huge, and I have tremendous pressure in my forehead, and I'm congested.  I feel incredibly tired.  I'm wondering if I am experiencing allergies.  That's what I would think, just because I've hardly ever been "slammed" by symptoms like these when I've been sick without it being an overnight thing.  I haven't had allergies before now (other than an extremely unfortunate mosquito allergy) so I'm wonder what it could be for.  I sat here for about twenty minutes trying to come up with something to enter for today and my mind is just clouded.  In a way I almost hope I am sick, just because I've known so many people with allergies and how miserable they can be during allergy season.  I guess I'll see how it turns out.

*no allergies, just a whopping head cold
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Life throws a lot of shit at us, and it throws at least as much fairy dust our way.  There is something about this idea which meshes so well with the fairy tale idea.  I'll tell you, I do think some of the fairy tales, at least the originals, have a lot of "un-PC" aspects to them, but I don't think that changes the overall message.  Each generation is more "enlightened" than the last, and quite frankly I think that is code for "we  want to be different so we'll be offended by something the previous generation was offended by."  In that same vein, I love "Seven Brides for Seven Brothers."  Today it would be cast off as insensitive garbage.  Back to my point...

In fairy tales there are scary and often horrible adventures.  Sometimes there are even deaths or other significant losses.  I don't feel like I have to really give any examples since most people know about fairy tales.  Of course there are the exceptions and the bitter sweet.  I would invite anyone to look up "The Little Matchstick Girl" by Hans Christian Andersen.  That's the way life is, the way life can be.  Fairy tales are a wonderful reflection of this.  

Sometimes people don't want to believe this idea.  There are those who want perfection.  I used to be one of those people, except I played both sides of the fence.  I wanted the fairy tale, but I wanted the end of the fairy tale.  I wanted to ignore the dragon fights, the dirty city backdrops, the competition, the bad guys.  I wanted to just have the "happily ever after."  I've thought about it sort of in this way (because I used to be very into video games).  A game is never as interesting to me anymore after I've found cheat codes for it and gone through with 100% capabilities.  GTA was a game for this.  It's the same thing with life.  What's the fun, what's the WORTH of having "happily ever after" without the sweetness added by the difficult road traveled to get there?

I'm on an extremely difficult road.  I've put myself on it, and a lot of other people on it.  If there isn't a happy ending here, then it's because of the choices I make, the choices those in my life make.  That's the way a fairy tale works, if those in their roles don't play their parts... There's a feeling involved, a feeling which can't be faked, and can't be replicated.  I love that feeling.
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I've heard a lot about the power of meditation.  In the beginning I always thought about the monk crossing his legs and "ohm"ing.  Of course that's not all that meditation has to offer or the only technique which can be used.  Even after I knew that I didn't make much of a point to try it out.  Something I've learned through all this counseling and time with Sam is that sometimes it really is as simple as "just doing it."  It's a matter of wanting to, or sometimes of needing to.  Recently people have been making a big deal about breathing exercises.  I find that these do in fact work pretty well.  Sam taught me that it can even help acid reflux and things like that because it helps balance pH.  That's pretty amazing to me.  So I've been experimenting a little bit.

I noticed a few days ago that when I whistle I sometimes create a focal point for myself.  I pay attention to the way my tongue moves, and the way my lips move.  People often say "just put your lips together and blow."  There's a lot more to it than that I've noticed.  In a lot of ways I think this is similar to the breathing (minus the purely physical benefits).  In breathing I've been told that it helps to focus on the air coming in and out of the mouth and nose, the expanding and contracting of the chest and abdominal area.  Well, with whistling when I pay attention to my tongue and lips I feel like it's the same sort of thing.  It helps create mindfulness.  It's pretty interesting I think.  By the by, I think the farther back in your mouth your tongue is the lower note you sound as you whistle.  And the air is filtered over the tongue before it comes out the lips.

In a Covenant Group (small group ministry type thing) there was a man who meditated with intensive dancing.  This was interesting, especially at a church where everyone seems to be jumping on the yoga and silent meditation bandwagon (not that those things are bad, but they can be confining).  It's things like that, alternative, personalized things, which I think make for the best meditation.  Something I've noticed for myself is that earplugs really help.  It helps focus on breathing and myself.  It's a wonderful feeling to literally hear the world fade out (I have those squishy expanding ear plugs) as I start focusing.  I've noticed this at work where there's a lot of loud machinery.

Another place this has come into effect is when I've been out shooting with Byron and Sam.  I haven't been able to do that in a while now with the court case going on though.  But with the earplugs it's the same thing.  Being new to the firearm thing, my breath was out of control trying to aim at the cans we set up.  Kneeling down, noticing my breathing, having to make a conscious effort to control it so that the firearm was more controlled, focusing on a specific target... that is something extremely meditative for me.  It can happen in many other ways, but when people close their minds to alternatives and go only with preconceived notinos they miss out on possibly very healing and enlightening activities.  How many people would think of shooting a weapon as being meditative without hearing an explanation?  I know the folks at my Anger Management group didn't get it.

It's an area I'm really enjoying finally getting around to.  I wish I had listened sooner when I was being given so many options, but I chose to be close-minded.  That's something people can't afford to do if they plan on working on themselves.


Diplodocus

Mar. 5th, 2010 05:27 pm
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I had a dream last night in which Diplodocus showed up.  The portion of the dream was near the end.  I was in a situation I didn't want to be in and just found out that I wasn't needed, when a large set-up showed up in the middle of the lab (applied technology) we were in.  This set-up was pretty big and seemed to be an island type setting, except there was no water.  There was dirt along the sides of it and above the dirt was a mountain and greenery and trenches, it was like a model of an island I suppose.  Well, close to this model was a resting Diplodocus, in the lab.  It woke up when we approached the island (we were amazed by the structure, not the dinosaur) and it also started to inspect the island.  It was very curious, sticking it's neck above the rim and down into the trenches.  Pretty quickly, though, it found a small natural arch and it poked it's head through.  It got stuck and uprooted the arch (which was made of a tough dirt instead of rock.  Suddenly a narrator "appeared" and started talking about how this was extremely dangerous for Diplodocus and likened the arch to a cancer which would grow and strangle the creature because of the sunlight which just started up in the lab.  The dinosaur then started poking apart the arch with it's tail, very quickly.  The narrator then changed his story as the Diplodocus freed itself.  That's when I woke up.

Some of the things I know about Diplodocus... They weighed about 10-20 tons once they matured.  They traveled in groups, and probably in large social family herds like elephants.  They laid eggs in a single-file line.  They used their tails and their size as deterrents from predators, such as Allosaurus.  They likely grazed on the tops of trees and had to keep moving for vegetation.  It's teeth were few, only having front teeth, which were not specialized.  It is likely that it swallowed vegetation whole.  Nostrils were on the top of it's head.  There isn't anything else really I can think of at the moment.
I've loved dinosaurs since I was a kid, but they don't actually show up in my dreams very often anymore, at least that I remember.  I've been trying to figure out what it means that this one did.  Especially given the events that have been happening in my life lately and in the lives of those around me.  I'm optimistic about the fact that the Diplodocus was able to free itself even though the narrator said that it would likely die.  It made me think about that behavioral therapy thing which has come up quite a bit for me lately about changing mindsets and automatic negative thoughts.  The narrator is the A.N.T. and the dinosaur proved him wrong, the way I'm capable of proving my A.N.T.s wrong.  But I'm still not sure of what the significance of Diplodocus is, since it could have been any other critter or even person to show that example to me.  How did my subconscious choose the long-neck? 
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This is an extremely difficult question.  Off the cuff my answer would have to be experimental.  I would think that there would be enough variety in there to keep me occupied and interested and seeing a lot of new things.  From some of the experimental music I've listened to it seems like it's a genre which blends a little bit of all genres based on the artist and the time and the mood.

Growing up I was in a weird place with music.  I didn't listen to it very much at all, but I was oddly attracted to techno music.  In Germany Captain Jack was my favorite. "Hey-Oh Captain Jack!  Bring me back to the railroad track!" :D A friend of mine had an older sister who had the track on tape and she made a copy for me.  She let the recorder run too long and I got an extra song: "There she was, just-a walkin' down the street, singing 'doo-wa-dee d'dee-dee-dum-dee-dee doo' snappin' her fingers and shufflin' to the beat."  It was something else, but I listened to both quite a bit.  Later on the Smurfs came out with children's tapes where they sang pop songs.  I listened to those going to sleep.  Most were pop techno, must have been a German thing.

In America I started listening a lot to Weird Al.  I wanted to buy every CD he had coem out with.  I liked his style and I liked the comedy (not that I was a comedy connoseur or anything, I was like 10).  He was all I really listened to at the time.  In the background was my parent's music though, which seemed to be a blend of R/B and country.  Faith Hill, Tim McGraw, Marky Mark, and some others were listened to a lot.  I really was not a fan of those when I was a kid, I guess because my parents liked them.  Of course Mom had a habit of connecting a lot of these songs with her mood swings so there's also an association there. 

When my Mom and Dad (Tony) divorced we met Dad (Troy) in Arizona.  I felt a need to impress him, so I started listening to the kind of music he liked, Rock, mostly classic Rock.  That's when Ozzy, AC/DC, and GNR came into the picture (I'm still a big GNR fan).  I became really closed-minded about music here especially.  It was rock or nothing.  I "hated" Country and Pop music, anything my sister and mother listened to.  It was just hard Rock. 

I met Sam, my wife, in 2005 officially, but mostly 2006 and she started to slowly turn me.  I was pretty pig-headed with her too, but in the end I was the one listening to her music and loving it (though she liked some of my songs too, even though mainstream music was not a favorite of hers).  Now I'm listening to all kinds, including Country and Pop, including Tim McGraw.  Some of my favorite musicians are Infected Mushroom, GNR, Gary Jules, Depedro, and many more.  A little bit of just about everything.  I've become pretty addicted to the variety different genres offer.

That's why, I think, I would have to go with Experimental, just because I enjoy that variety.  Not the same old thing, not groups who all sound the same, or even in a genre.  That's my choice.

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